Yep, I reached the end of my rope yesterday. Cal had gone home Friday morning for some badly-needed supplies so I had the kids all day Friday and Saturday and Sunday until the late afternoon. It didn’t help that the kids insisted on sleeping with me.

I mean, the bed is a king, unlike the queen we have at home, and can I just complain for a minute here as to why the king is so much bigger than the queen? Sure, traditionally the king is bigger and stronger but who’s birthin’ those babies in medieval times? And I’m not talking about the grossly overpriced Medieval Times, Dinner and Tournament (it’s a miss, people).

Anyway so the kids were with me in bed and I’m pretty sure that Great Danes take up less room (Great Danes–get it? Kings? Hamlet? Anyone?). So I didn’t get much sleep Friday or Saturday night. And Sunday, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily my dear friend Klara happened to text me and I’m all being all bitter over text and she’s like “Um, do you want me to call you?” and I’m all like “Yes a phone call would be great except I am fully in charge of these children and even though they are 11 and 8 years old I can’t leave them because their brains were turning to mush on screens!!!!!! And I’m admitting that I’m depressed and lazy!!!” Klara informs me that we’re all depressed and lazy and perhaps a video chat tonight would be helpful?

Also I’m tired of cooking.

Seriously, our Small Mountain Community (SMC) does not have any restaurants and there is no fast food anywhere close, and while I probably ate more fast food than I should have, it turns out that when you really don’t want to cook, it sounds awfully good. I mean, I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s! Get it? The Simpsons? Anyone?

I suppose I should be lucky we have food. I mean, did you read The Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder? I’ve been thinking a lot about Ms. Wilder and that part where they move into town and all they have is like wheat seeds or whatever it’s called so they grind it in their miniature coffee grinder and then presumably make some kind of bread (obviously not gluten-free) and that’s how they survive the aforementioned Long Winter.

At least we have pasta.

And our flour is pre-ground.

But I would really love food I don’t have to cook. And by cook I’m including “heat up.” Because I feel like if I put any kind of effort into it, even if it’s taking the bag out of the freezer and spreading it on a cookie sheet into the oven, that’s cooking. And I’m done with it.

Luckily, luckily, I have the mom’s chat to look forward to. Just like in my pre-quarantine life, my friends are what get me through. So we get online and while Klara is telling some hilarious story about video conferencing, Ariel is over there drawing phalluses on the shared whiteboard, and we find Cards Against Humanity online (you too can play in group chat!). It takes us a while to figure it out but then Veronica pops on and hooray!

Except Veronica has some kind of weird internet connection that never quite works. She freezes up all the times, and it’s always with the most unflattering expression on her face. Sorry Veronica, but it’s true. I don’t know why her internet is so bad since she lives literally down the street from Grover and Grover never has a single problem.

Get it together Veronica. You do not live in a rural area.

Anyway so Veronica has this bad connection and has to keep positioning her phone to get the right signal, but instead of placing herself in front of the phone camera like normal people, she just points the camera around so we generally see an ear sometimes but mostly a tuft of hair.

It’s a nice tuft of hair, but whey can’t you position yourself in front of the camera like normal people?

Veronica is an artist–a good one. So she’s going to walk us through one of those sip and paint nights. Remotely. I explain that I’m a crafter and not an artist and these two things are very different, and then tell about that time when I had to take “Art for Elementary School Teachers” my second semester in college (like that was about 15 majors before I finally decided on one to graduate) and then how I was so bad at elementary school art that I had to make a self-portrait out of yarn and mine looked just like Jesus. And I mean Jesus Christ, not Jesús the hot guy taking sculpture in the classroom next door. And also how my clay pinch pot was so bad the teacher was pretty sure mine was the one that exploded in the kiln and took out everyone else’s projects. And how I tried so hard in that class I even went in to open studio/office hours to try to do some art and in the end my lovely, compassionate teacher gave me an A because “I tried so hard.”

Who gets a sympathy “A” in elementary school art? Me, that’s who.

Ariel, meanwhile, was pushing hard for a heart design, which she felt represented the pinnacle of her talent. Then she pulled out the one and only sip and paint picture she’d ever done and wonderfully encouraging Veronica says, “That looks good!” Because I think being positive and affirming is a requirement for someone teaching art, but let’s be honest, Veronica isn’t all that convincing. And by Veronica I mean Veronica’s tuft of hair. I decide to say nothing because it looks suspiciously like my own last piece of art. And Klara says, “Is that a… a… sunset? I maybe would have blended it a little.”

NOBODY ASKED YOU, KLARA.

Anyway after a great deal of discussion between Klara, Ariel, myself, and Veronica’s tuft of hair, we arrived on a theme which seems both cute and eminently doable.

Kimpossible, Grover, Pollyanna (My new name for Scrubs) you need to get yourself some art supplies! Unlike me who has to think ahead for all this crap and get it all up the mountain somehow, Veronica can drop it off at your house. Friday night. Don’t be late.

And blend your sunsets.

Nobody asked you, Klara.